TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
