we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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