omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
