you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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