you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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