Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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