i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
