I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
