Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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