I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
