If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
