i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
