i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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