M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
