I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it hurts more in the daytime
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
