I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
