I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
