I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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