from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
