I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
