I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
