I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
