i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
