Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
