I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Can I color on your dick again?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
