how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
