I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
