Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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