I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
