I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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