i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
