what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
