Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
