i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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