Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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