I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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