Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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