I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
