we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
