that's an acceptable place to lick
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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