if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
