I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
