Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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