how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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