I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
