I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
