Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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