chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
