May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
