i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
